Have you ever received a gift from a family member and thought, “this person doesn’t know me at all” or even just been beside yourself trying to figure out how to thank them for this thing that obviously isn’t you? Maybe it is a book for someone who hates reading, or that gawdy outfit that your aunt thinks you would look amazing in, some things just are not all they are cracked up to be. They do not fit your way of life, your décor, your sense of style, and no matter how hard you try, you just cannot vibe with that thing. However, they are a gift from your family, so you graciously accept them and figure out how to incorporate them into your life. Generational trauma is one of those unwanted “gifts” that we bear the burden of, sometimes without even knowing, simply because it was something that we were given. But do we have to accept all gifts, especially those that don’t serve us? The answer is no.

Growing up in the 1980’s was wild, we still didn’t talk about our feelings, and lord knows that having siblings old enough to be my parents and parents the age of my friend’s grandparents was very strange for me. My parents had the “children should be seen and not heard” attitude, coupled with “I’ll give you something to cry about” as their go to comment when I was upset. Looking back, I suppose most of the people I knew grew up the same way, to varying degrees of course. But why? I suppose the reality for me is that my parents, born in 1929 & 1938, grew up in a world that didn’t acknowledge mental health. If you had a mental problem, they locked you up… threw people away like the trash. So, in a lot of cases, I think parents were afraid to get help for their children for fear of having them locked up in an institute. Sadly, those same institutes that were there to “protect” the patients, more often than not treated them like lab rats; performing radical “therapies” and surgeries to “help the afflicted person recover”. I digress, that is a deep subject, and perhaps we shall get into it in another article, but not today.

Today we talk about what generational trauma is, how it shows up in our lives, and how we break the cycle. I made a vow that the generational trauma in my family would stop with me. However, I didn’t know at the time that it actually takes 3 generations to fully heal the trauma that was passed down. Furthermore, when I started to think about it, I have already passed a lot of it on to my older son, so I suppose it will be an added generation for my family. The good news is that I made the choice to stop it, and I can give my kids the tools to heal as I learned them, so when they have kids, they will do even better than I am doing.

What Is Generational Trauma?

Generational trauma is a term used to describe the transmission of trauma from one generation to another. It is a phenomenon that occurs when the effects of trauma are passed down through generations, affecting the mental and physical health of descendants. The trauma can be caused by a variety of factors, including war, genocide, slavery, and other forms of oppression. The effects of generational trauma can manifest in many ways, including depression, anxiety, addiction, and other mental health issues. Generational trauma is the result of traumatic experiences that have not been adequately addressed, processed, or healed within a family or cultural group. These traumas can include:

1. Historical Trauma: Trauma experienced by a particular ethnic or cultural group due to historical events, such as colonization, slavery, war, or forced displacement. This kind of trauma exists in every society, some are working to heal from it, and others are working to fan the flames. In the USA right now, we are seeing the beginnings of many historical traumas in relation to the LGBTQIA+ community, their entire existence is being challenged because of other people’s religious beliefs. Women’s, Native American’s, Hispanic’s, the Black communities, and so many more are having their rights and liberties challenged too. Now I am not going to debate with anyone the plight of ANY group, or the religious beliefs of any others. In the infamous words of Paul McCartney “Let it be”. You may not agree with everyone, or everything, and that is OK. No one is, or needs to be right 100% of the time. You can choose to agree or not, but you don’t have the right to impose your thoughts or beliefs on another person. The effects of these actions will be deep for many, they will last generation, after generation, after generation, passed down like the ugly penny no one ever wanted, and no one knows what to do with.
2. Family Trauma: Trauma experienced within a family, including abuse, addiction, loss, or dysfunction, which is passed down through generations. I didn’t know a lot about my grandparents as 3 of the 4 of them had left this earth before I was born. What I did know growing up, is that no one talked about them, and I didn’t know why. I was over 18 before I even saw a picture of my dad’s parents, and the only think I knew about my mom’s father was that he was a janitor for the Los Angeles Unified School District and that there was one painting of him behind a bunch of clothes in my grandma’s bedroom; a room we generally didn’t go into. As I got older, I found out dark truths about my grandparents, their addictions, their abuse of each other and their kids. Sadly, I will never be able to go back and ask them about their parents, but I would guess that many of the things that I carry now have been floating around for many of my family’s generations.

How Does Generational Trauma Persist?

Like that ugly gravy boat that no one wants to claim, generational trauma is passed down to each new generation, even if they don’t want it. It is persistent and will affect subsequent generations in several ways:

1. Transference of Behaviors: Unresolved trauma can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms and behaviors, such as substance abuse, violence, or emotional withdrawal, which are passed from parents to children. The kids see their parents drinking, or doing drugs, or gambling or whatever to make them “happy”, so the kids then think that is the way to be happy without ever realizing that those things aren’t really making their parents happy, they are simply unhealthy coping mechanisms that temporarily change the feelings of the person doing the thing.
2. Emotional Inheritance: The emotional pain and distress associated with trauma can be passed down through family dynamics, influencing the emotional well-being of descendants. If you are never taught how to handle your emotions, how do you teach your kids? Many people, but especially men, were told that their feelings were not something to be shown. It was impolite to have feelings, whether good or bad, and you just don’t let them out. So, what did we learn from that? Well, personally, I learned to stuff them deep down and bottle them up. The problem with this is when the lid came off, those feelings were 100 times worse than when I first had them.
3. Belief Systems: Trauma can shape the belief systems and worldviews of future generations, affecting their beliefs of themselves, others, and the world around them. Some of the saddest things I have seen in my life involve children echoing the opinions of their parents. Now I am not saying that kids can’t have the same opinions as their parents, in many cases they will simply because that is who raised them. The things I am talking about were the 5-year-old child, with a shaved head screaming about white power. Or the young Black man thinking he will never be anything because “the man” is oppressing his people. Or the young girl who doesn’t pursue a career in engineering because a woman’s place is at home. And don’t get me started on the blind faith of religion. I am not saying religion is bad, simply that people need to be able to question it without being shunned or hounded. I remember when I was young, maybe 12-13, I was going to church and this one lady didn’t like that I wasn’t there all year, only during the summer because my mom didn’t like me going to church. This woman spent the entire summer hounding me and what felt like an attempt to convert me to the religion I already was. I think this was the first time I ever really questioned if religion was right for me.
4. Epigenetic Changes: Some research suggests that trauma can cause epigenetic changes—alterations in gene expression that can be passed down to offspring, potentially affecting their mental and physical health. This is why you can see identical twins, two people with the exact same DNA, start to look and act differently over time. The cool thing about the epigenome is that it can be affected by both positive and negative things. So, even if you have negative experiences that cause you to change, you can heal those changes by creating positive experiences. For example, let’s say you are a perfectionist. You may not want to do anything if you think you can’t do it perfectly, so you don’t even try, you just give up. But with the practice of planned failure, you can learn that you don’t have to be perfect in everything you do. This was a hard one for me. When I wrote my first book, I loved the cover that was created. Then I started messing with it to make it “perfect”, but why? I already loved the first version of it, so why make changes? Because it wasn’t perfect! I wanted this in a different color, that in a different font, this to bend a specific way and so on. I put in for the changes, and what I got back was amazing, but then there were other things I didn’t like. I had to stop myself and say, this is me accepting that nothing needs to be perfect, and it is good enough. Now I am not saying there aren’t things that require a degree of perfection, there are, but was this the hill I wanted to die on? Heck no! So, my book cover became an exercise in accepting imperfection, thus bringing me one step closer to healing.

The Impact of Generational Trauma

Generational trauma can have profound effects on individuals and communities. What does that look like though? How can we know it is generational trauma vs. a general trauma? Here are a few things to look for:

1. Mental Health: It can contribute to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in later generations. If you see children, parents, and grandparents all with the same melancholy attitude, or anxiety from the same situations, or even a strong reaction to a specific stimulus, then you are likely looking at generational trauma. While some mental health disorders are genetic, and can be passed to the next generation, or skip a generation, those genetic disorders can manifest at different ages, and in different ways. Generational trauma tends to manifest in the same way for each generation, because it is transmitted through learned behaviors and coping mechanisms, be they good or bad. Generational trauma does not change the DNA like a genetic disorder, so it can be reversed.
2. Relationships: The trauma's impact on family dynamics can strain relationships, leading to conflict, dysfunction, and patterns of abuse. This is something that I have had to tell myself and my friends time and time again, especially when there are children involved. It is one thing for you to accept poor treatment from a “loved one” but is it fair to subject an innocent child to that? Furthermore, do you want your child to think that it is acceptable to treat their partner or be treated by their partner with anything less than love and respect? I think we forget that we all deserve respect and love, and maybe we think that kids are too young, or not aware, but I promise you… they see and hear everything. Even if you don’t fight in front of them, they will pick up on the tension. I am not saying never fight in front of your kids, it is going to happen, you are human after all. The difference is that you need to show them how people can argue about something, or have different opinions but have that disagreement with love and understanding. Those who have been treated poorly as children tend to go into adulthood believing that they deserve to be treated poorly, and will seemingly seek out someone who will treat them that way. Break the cycle, fine the person who loves you for you, for every one of your flaws and insecurities. The person who wants to conquer the world with you, not the one who wants to conquer you!
3. Cultural Identity: Generational trauma can shape cultural identity and influence how individuals and communities relate to their own history and heritage. This unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, is not one I feel I have much experience with, except to say that my older son is bi-racial. I have seen how he is not fully accepted by either side of his heritage based on what the other side is perceived to have done in the past; and even though many of our family members love him deeply there is still a disconnect on some levels. I personally think this is also the worst kind of generational trauma simply because it isn’t a hand full of people believing something, it is a large portion if not all of a specific culture. But fear not, even this cycle can be broken with work!

Breaking the Cycle

Breaking the cycle of generational trauma requires awareness and proactive efforts. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Acknowledgment: Recognize and acknowledge the presence of generational trauma within your family or community. Understand its historical and cultural context. Once I was aware that the troubles I was dealing with were the same as my parents, and my grandparents I was able to process them differently. Knowing that I wasn’t the problem made it easier for me to compartmentalize the issues and come up with clear goals to remove them from my life. Just like in any recovery program, the first step is admitting there is a problem. We may vary on the following steps, but #1 is always admitting there is a problem.
2. Seek Support: Support is key. No matter how strong you are, you cannot heal alone. Support looks different for everyone, some may need to reach out to mental health professionals or counselors who specialize in trauma therapy, and others may just need a good pet that they can cuddle from time to time. There is no right or wrong way to have support. However, if you have a pet, and cuddling with it isn’t enough, then you need to seek deeper support. The internet is an amazing tool to provide guidance and tools for healing, but not every “miracle program” is worth it. Find the person, program or group that resonates with you and run with it. I have about 15-20 “gurus” that I follow on various platforms, they are all great in diverse ways. Some read from the Bible, others pull tarot cards, some just have channeled messages to share, still others have entire programs for thousands of dollars. I take what resonates, and leave the rest, but I listen to all of it because maybe something that doesn’t resonate with me will resonate with someone I meet. This goes back to cafeteria style healing, not every solution is for every person.
3. Cultural Reconnection: Reconnecting with cultural traditions, practices, and rituals can supply a sense of identity and belonging. Finding the things that were done in the past is amazing. Rituals especially can be so empowering. It isn’t enough to just do the things though. You must learn the reason those things were done and the way they were done. Saying a prayer to a God, an Angel, a Saint, or any type of Deity is meaningless if you don’t know the reason you are praying and the things that entity stands for. I am not debating religion, to each their own, I am simply saying do your research. If you want to reconnect, do it fully. You get what you put into a situation so if you do one google search and decide the first link is the only way to do something, you may not be in the best form. Academic research could even be needed Another thing you run into when reconnecting with the ways of the past, is gatekeepers. The people who say they know how to do the thing, but no one else should do the thing because it is a “closed practice”. All respect for people and cultures who want to keep their sacred things sacred, but maybe in stead of gatekeeping and telling people they are wrong for trying to embrace a culture that may not be the one they grew up with, just maybe you could teach them the right way to do it. People can agree or not, but I simply think that the more people who respectfully practice things the more likely it is to reach the next generation. There are things that I do daily that I have been told by friends they don’t do because they are “closed practice”. I respect them for their beliefs and know that I have done the work to learn how to do them properly and with respect to the culture they come from, in most cases from someone within that culture, so I continue to do them. And while I will not discuss my specific practices, I will say that all I do is led with love, light, and enlightenment, so if I ever found out that I was doing something the wrong or disrespectful way, I would either stop or learn the correct way. But I digress, the point here is don’t just go do things because you heard your ancestors did it once upon a time. Think about it, be that with prayer, meditation, pros/cons lists, however you process thinking through a thought, do it and ask, “is this practice something I should be doing?”
4. Education: This goes hand in hand with what I was just talking about. Learn about the effects of trauma and how it can be passed down. Education can empower individuals and communities to make informed choices. It isn’t enough to just google something or buy a book that is supposedly on that subject, you have to go deeper. Make sure you are using well rounded and scholarly sources. That tutorial by that one “witch” on TikTok may not be the right way to do something. That PDF on a section of the Bible, quoting irrevocable “proof” that something is right or wrong, could just be the rantings of some random person. So, how do you know if something is true? That is a hard one, especially in this day and age where literally ANYONE can put something on the internet and call it the truth. I could get to Wikipedia.com right now and create an article that supplies all the reasons that the sky is actually pink. It would have links to other articles, and big scholarly words that are hard for most people to understand, but at the end of the day it would look, and sound completely correct. Double and triple check your sources. Do those sources have money coming from people/organizations with agendas? Are they giving both sides of a story? These are some quick ways to get a feel for the authenticity of the article.
5. Supportive Relationships: Foster supportive relationships within families and communities, encouraging open communication and healing. A supportive relationship doesn’t have to be one person carrying another. It can be as simple as acknowledging that homeless person you see every day on the way home, or letting a co-worker know you are there if they need to vent. On the other side, it may be someone checking on you just to see how you are doing, or offering to take you to lunch because they know you are struggling financially. Whether you are the supporter or the supported, make sure you have supportive relationships in every aspect of your life. When you give and get support it strengthens you from both sides, and helps you keep gratitude for the things you have, and the things you can offer.

If you are into Disney movies, I would highly suggest watching or rewatching “Encanto”. The story of a family who has magical powers because of a miracle bestowed to the grandmother… after something so traumatizing that it is affecting every generation that has come after… and not in a good way. This movie is the embodiment of generational trauma! The songs “What else can I do?”, “Surface Pressure”, and “We don’t talk about Bruno” are perfect examples. It isn’t just Bruno that they aren’t talking about. It is the deep horrifying trauma that brought their family to the place they are, and the pressure that is there when people start doubting in themselves. So, what else can they do except push it down and pretend everything is great! Don’t fall into this trap, and it is a trap. Pretending something isn’t an issue when it is quietly, or sometimes loudly, eating away at you won’t help you or the generations that come after you. My older son and I joke when uncomfortable things come up that “it is a Bruno we don’t talk about”, then we giggle and actually talk about it.

Other Disney movies about generational traumas are “Coco” and “Turning Red”. Both show how generations past have deep effects on the future generations. Maybe I will do a full article on all the Disney movies and what trauma they reflect, but for now, I will leave you with one last thought. Disney’s “Descendant’s, this movie was an interesting one, where the trauma suffered by the parents, was passed to the children who were thought to be cut off the same cloth as their evil parents. The twist in this for me was that at the end of the day the descendants didn’t want to be like their parents. They didn’t want to be the bad guys, they wanted to do better! The epitome of the generation who decided to heal! Unfortunately, they still had to deal with the negative images of their parents and things didn’t always go as planned. Maybe I am off the mark her, but that is how I took it. The kids didn’t always make the best choices, but in the end they made better choices. I was really excited to see where that series of movies was going but unfortunately the actor for one of the main characters, Cameron Boyce, passed away and Disney felt it was better to end the series than to replace him.

Generational trauma is a complex and deeply rooted issue, but with awareness, understanding, and support, individuals and communities can work towards healing and breaking the cycle for future generations. Recognizing the impact of generational trauma is the first step towards a more resilient and empowered future. Discussing past and present issues within your family are the first steps to healing. I wish I had known this before my grandma, aunt and father passed away. Now I am left with an unresponsive mother, who is the “victim” of her horrible children and siblings who are also trying to process what happened before even they were born. Breaking the cycle of generational trauma requires a deep understanding of its causes and effects. It also requires a willingness to confront the past and work towards healing. Without these things we are doomed to repeat the past. So, are you ready to break the cycle?